I haven’t been particularly happy over the last 3 months and this is pretty much the reason why I am no longer as active as I was with blogging. All I have to say is negative, I feel negative and negativity comes up in any conversation I have with family and friends. I had loads of expectations for this year. My first year outside school, my first job, making a life on my own with my own money without relying on the money of my parents. Probably I was naive to think that everything would come together at the first shot or maybe I do have everything and the sadness of the moment shadows all the rest.
Although I feel okay with my current job and I have clear goals of what I want to be in the future with my career, my personal and social life are pretty much a disaster. I have always struggled with making friends and creating my own social circles. I have always had social anxiety and I find it hard to feel comfortable in social situations. I wasn’t aware of this until 2 years ago. My therapist and my boyfriend at the time noticed that all the patterns I had were a mix of depression and anxiety. Things are a bit better now or at least they were before all this pandemic started.
Over the last six months, my depression got worse, I struggle to enjoy my life, I don’t find fulfilment in anything. The enforced isolation is unbearable, I cry every day and any time I try to make small plans to feel better about this situation, something comes up and I feel powerless again. The government has recently announced that social gatherings above 6 people are banned and with this news all my hope of making new friends and meeting new people vanished.
Feeling stuck is a legitimate feeling at the moment and you don’t have to feel sorry or selfish for it!
I honestly have no idea of when this is coming to an end. All I can think of is that I lost 1 (possibly more) year(s) of my life dealing with this situation. And when this is all over (if there’s an end to it), I will be much older, with no life outside my job and my depression and anxiety to fix again. This is my struggle which seems a lot smaller compared to the struggle of all the young people who are outside the job market. Can you imagine putting yourself into higher education, making a life and financial investment for a better future, having student loans to pay, looking forward to starting enjoying your life after years of sacrifices and being jobless or going back to live with your parents because the chances to get a graduate job at the moment are non-existing?
I think it’s pretty much common knowledge that life has stopped in March 2020
Young people like me are paying and will pay the financial, emotional and social consequences of this pandemic and even worse, no one, literally no one, nor society or the governments are acknowledging their struggle and poor mental health.
To finish on a positive note, at some point, I decided to shut down the outside world and focus on the things I can control: my professional career and my body image. Luckily, during the lockdown, I managed to work which means I gained new skills, acquired new knowledge and competencies and my CV looks 30 times better than it was 6 months ago when I started my job. I had a conversation with my boss on how the next 6 months will look like for me and where I want to be in the next year. I downloaded LinkedIn for learning, thanks to the American Chemical Society who granted free access to all their members and started writing down personal goals and objective for the future.
On my physical health, I started a diet and I lost 4 kg so far. During the lockdown, I gained 6 kg in 8 weeks. I was overdrinking and eating to cope with the lockdown. There was nothing else to do and eating or drinking alcohol was the only thing to do to deal with the enforced isolation. I have 16 kg more to lose before I get to my ideal weight. I feel a bit hopeful about my physical wellbeing because of the positive outcome so far. The gym will also accept new clients at the end of Sep and I hope that exercising regularly will help with my mood and feel less grumpy. Maybe I will start writing something positive from October onwards.