Usual appointment to check in with my goals at the end of every month and see how good/bad I did over the last 30 days. Although this wasn’t a great month and pretty much uneventful, besides the last week, I had a lot of mental shifts and changed my attitude towards my depression and how my life will look like going forward.
The month started with me feeling sick again because of changing my medications. One of the side effects of these new tablets is sedation. I really struggled to make it to the end of some days and could barely stay awake during the day. I had to spend loads of my time lying down in bed and using the small energy I had to do my job and getting around chores around the house. On my own initiative, I decided to take meds before going to bed to avoid feeling fatigued during the day. This was one of the worst decisions I could have made. The sudden change in serotonin levels made me feel sick and I suffered from PMS (pre menstrual syndrome) for days. I basically had the same symptoms I usually get during my period without having my period. That was terrible.
I just realised that my old life driven by high functioning anxiety won’t come back!
In the middle of feeling absolutely trash, mentally and physically, I just came to terms with the fact that my old life won’t come back. I will not be the same person I was as a student, running 100 km/h, crashing exams after exams, depriving myself from sleep to keep on top of tasks and please others. Most importantly, I finally accepted the fact that I have a disability and I have to stop fighting against my depression. There will be days when I feel well and days when I don’t and I will have to accept both with the same spirit. Healing or living with a disability is a lifelong journey, there’s no quick fix to it. This is something I need to take care of every single day. I still find myself ruminating and wishing things were different, but progress isn’t linear and sometimes, I get to move one step back to make two forwards.
Living with depression is a lifelong joruney, there will be set backs along the way!
The other important realisation of this month is that I don’t have to do the things other people do to be cool. The whole last year I was trying to impress people with my dream life, going to restaurants, fancy cocktails or ruminating among the fact that I was single at 30. This year, I just decided that I don’t give a fuck about it and my success can’t be measured by my marital status or how big my circle of friends is. I don’t have to go to clubs and drink until 5 am or being constantly surrounded by people to be okay. I think this comes with the shit women are constantly bombarded with (misogyny and patriarchy) and the belief that their value depends on external validation. The other part of it comes from the teenager mentality of group identity and mob mentality. It’s much better to stick to the flow and do like everyone else is doing because showing up as you are takes a lot of courage and bravery. Instead, I decided to live life on my own terms and it’s okay if I get tired more quickly than others and have to go to bed at 8 pm.
Do not measure your success by using someone else’s metrics!
Following the idea of doing my own things and spending my money and time to enrich my soul and mind, I resubscribed o Scribd. It’s a platform which gives unlimited access to e-books and audiobooks for as little as 10£/m. I downloaded 5 books and bought 2 paper books this month only and absolutely love every single one. Reading relaxes me a lot and helps going through difficult days filled with boredom and loneliness. The other big thing was buying the membership of the English Heritage. Kent is full of Roman historical monuments and castles. Only within 10 miles from home, I have Deal, Walmer and Dover castles, and it’s just silli not to take advantage of it and spend an afternoon lying on the sofa instead of reading in the glorious Walmer castle gardens. The weather has also been miserable the entire spring so it would be good to get out of the house and visit some of these indoor venues during a rainy and windy day (hello British summertime).
In conclusion, I tried to make the most of May, although I was physically unwell and ended up taking a week off in June to recover. I had to put on hold my plans of setting up my side hustle, not upset about that because I am getting into the mentality of slow living and setting up the foundations of my adult life rather than living for instant gratifications like a teenager. I had a small set back but this doesn’t mean I have to give up, as I said previously slow progress is still progress. I also got my first dose of covid vaccine and I cannot wait for the government to reopen the borders so that I can go to Italy in August. Fantastico!
See you at the end of June!