Navigating my depression – being honest with my own feelings!

When is it the right time to talk about this? On mental health day? Mental health awareness week? The 22th of August or 16th of October? For people like me living with depression, it’s mental health day every day! It’s something I will have to deal with every day the whole day. It’s not branding or marketing, it’s my every day reality. So every few months, I come here to check in with myself and give voice to my feelings because it helps me navigating my own struggle.

I’ve been on antidepressants and going to therapy for 4 years and, sadly, I’m still counting. I’m nowhere near to being okay with my own feelings, at all! Writing down my feelings helps though. It’s so hard to get perspective on our own life when we basically live trapped in our own minds. So, to get perspective on my own shit, I write it down to see if as a reader, they all make any sense at all. I kind of like gathering my own feelings, acknowledge and protect them!

Four years on antidepressants and still counting!

Me
Gaining perspective

I think I’ve lived my entire life neglecting my feelings, keeping busy to hid from difficult situations and my own trauma. I don’t want to do that again. The longer you neglect having hard conversations and dealing with your inner existential problems, the harder it gets. Covering up and pretending it’s all okay helps nobody. From time to time, it’s good to sit down and audit your own life as if you were an observer.

The more I observe my own life the more I wish I could be like other people, smiling, being cheerful and engaging. I guess I’d be a lot easier to take everything so less seriously, laugh at life and trying to have a good time. My feelings and anxiety makes everything so much more complicated, especially relationships, they compromise my sanity and emotional stability! As much as I’m trying to do differently, I find myself still stuck in the same old patterns and way of thinking. Thinking I’m alone in the world, that, it’s only me dealing with myself and my own struggle, the idea that I’m constantly failing at life will never go away!

My feelings are too much to deal by myself so I asked for help!

Me

There are times when I feel better and more positive about my life and times when I feel like a pile of trash. This is one of those moments and I’m trying to find solutions for feeling better. I don’t want to write a negative article, I want to conclude it with a positive note. Because my existential anxiety and old patterns are back, I decided to ask for help. I’m glad I made the call and been given the opportunity to see a counsellor to navigate my own feelings and a new life transition. I’ve been talking to my family in Italy a lot more. I’ve been so absent in the past 6 years and I want to be more present for people who genuinely care about me! I talked to people more about my feelings, voicing my struggle without any shame. I’m not a super woman, I don’t have it all together and I don’t even want to pretend I do! I do hope that all life changes I’m making will come to fruition!

See you soon!

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