It’s been a while since I wrote something for this website. I’ve in Cardiff for 2 months and it’s been a period of intense change. For all people new here, I’ve been running my website since 2017. This digital space followed me on the journey of my PhD, moving into my first job and making this new life here in Cardiff.
I haven’t been consistent with my writing lately because I was busy settling down in a new city and my new job. Although I carry it very well, it’s been a challenge. Physically I’m here, but mentally I’m still readjusting. I know that the idea of making a new life is supposed to be fun, but the transition brought a lot of negative feelings. All I can think of is how, in the past 7 years, I never managed to make a life anywhere. I moved from one place to another, half grieving from the life I used to have, depressed and sad half enjoying what I had.
This transition brought to surface loads of old patterns and negative feelings.
I’m readjusting to living a life surrounded by people. During my time in Kent, mostly because of pandemic and because I found it hard to find like-minded people, I used to spend a lot of time alone. I lost count of how many weekends I spent alone without talking or seeing anyone. My interactions were mainly with work colleagues talking about science and work. I used to live life on my own terms, doing what I wanted whenever I wanted. I go out now, meet and talk to people and I realise how disconnected I feel from reality.
I’m readjusting/learning to live a life that isn’t like the military, walking up, work, gym, cooking, hustling. I’m learning how to make friends and introduce people in my life. It takes me such a long time to get close to people, feel comfortable around them and call them friends. The constant relocations didn’t help because, by the time I get to know people, I’m off to a new place.
Luckily, I know how to read the signals of my mental health. For me it’s when cooking and going to the gym become chores. When I snap at people and become aggressive for no reason. I’m glad for all the years in therapy that helped me knowing my triggers and spotting the signals of my poor mental health. Hopefully, I’ll be better soon.
I’ve always shared the good and the bad!
Also for people who are new here, I talk a lot about my mental health, mostly about my depression. I see a lot of influencers only sharing their highlights on social media and hiding when they have problems. Of course, the way people want to go about their social media platforms is their own choice. For me, this isn’t the way I like it. My life isn’t only the night outs, the consistent salary increase, the new job, the sponsored partnerships. I have ups and downs as anyone else and I’ll never hide or act like everything is perfect, because that isn’t life, it’s dreamland and a movie tale that does not exist in real life!