Growing outside my comfort zone

After an absolutely mad year, I finally feel like I’m coming back to my true self again. It’s been an uncomfortable year, moving to a new place with a new job, that involved a promotion, in a new environment trying to adapt, fit and learn how to be my best self!

Growing means getting out of your comfort and you never realise the true extent of this until you’re in the middle of the chaos. I knew I was looking for a new challenge which meant being uncomfortable but I did underestimate how badly this would affect me emotionally and deteriorate my mental health.

Growth is uncomfortable!

Me

In the midst of the storm, I went back to my old self becoming a person who I thought I abandoned a long time ago. I was aggressive at first, then I withdrew. I stopped talking, expressing myself and vocalising my struggle. I allowed life to happen to me, not taking responsibility for myself and that was bad! I closed down, stopped asking for help, doing it all on my own.

Waterfall at Beacon Beacon

Luckily, I have a lot of true friends and a great job, and all of the people around me came to help and assist me in this challenging transition. They were there to help me notice and realise I was falling into a spiral of negative thinking. In the past 2 months:

  • I started new medications because the one I had before didn’t work.
  • I’m in the process of getting a better diagnosis for my mental health problems as I suspect I have some traits of bipolar disorder or borderline personality
  • I had my sister over. Our relationship stopped 7 years ago when I moved out of Italy and we never managed to reconnect as adults and mature people. We’re working on it now
  • I’ve been working towards improving personal relationships. Getting along with people has always been the biggest issue of my life. One of my work colleagues told me that because I’ve been treated like shit in the past, I don’t have to reciprocate others with the same treatment. I don’t have to react to anything people say to me. It’s okay to let it go and stay grounded in any situation. (Stay tuned for my next blog post on why women in science become aggressive).
Me and my sister

Of course, when people told me that I was falling into a bad path, I didn’t like it. I was in denial and thought I had it all together. I did not have it all together, I was forcing myself into the believe I was strong and didn’t need any external advice (hello old negative thinking đŸ¤¯). It doesn’t make me any less confident and strong to step back, stay silent, listen to people and don’t always put my opinions forward. It doesn’t make me less of who I am to put my guard down, be less defensive or less confrontational. I can make my voice heard without intimidating others. Honestly by writing all this down, I can’t help but think that I’m glad I’m not that old version of myself. And I don’t want to be that ever again.

I did not have it all together, not for one bit!

Me

I worked so hard to create a new identity of who I want to be growing old and in the midst of the chaos of moving I forgot who I was. I’m slowly getting back to my true self, reconnecting to who I am. I know that, at the end of this, I will be a better person than doesn’t come across as intimidating, aggressive and someone that can’t be approached. I bought this new diary as a journal to track all the progress I’ve been making since November 2nd. This is an important date to me, loads of life changing events happened on this day in the past. It’s also all soul’s day in Italy, when we celebrate the memory of the dead which I believe means that death isn’t the end of things but the start of a new life.

The day I started living in Cardiff

Stay tuned for more progress.

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